I have thought about writing this blog for the last month and nothing seemed quite right and my thoughts were all over the place. This past year has really started getting to me as I am not sure I have had time to process everything which I know takes time.  New scars have been placed with some being visible and others hiding under the surface.

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Last month I received the news that I was cancer free for another six months.  What do people do after hearing the big “No Cancer” news?  I thought maybe I should have a party for everyone who has supported me or start messaging everyone I knew letting them know?  I didn’t walk out of the hospital with relief, I walked out of there with uncertainty and sadness.  Why did I get good news when the next person sitting by me might receive the news of having cancer?  Why do I deserve to live another six months when someone else must die from this horrible disease?  I look in the mirror every day and see the scar on my neck which is starting to fade and I know I should feel grateful that I am here and help others.  I am supposed to feel strong and empowered to live my life to the fullest.  My perspective has changed in a lot of ways since this all began but I sit here and wonder what’s next?  The only thing I know is that I am not who I once was.

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The next week after the news, I was in the hospital waking up from knee surgery.  I kept telling myself, “It is just knee surgery.  If you can get through cancer, you can get through this.  It could be worse as you could be others who aren’t able to walk at all.”  I went in thinking positive and came out a different person.  The scar on my knee is ugly but the mental scars are unbearable.  I don’t even know how to explain it but I feel like an icky person who never wants to get out of bed.  Not being able to work out, besides, Physical Therapy, in over a month has sent me over the edge as this has given me shelter with the pains in my mind.  Sleepless nights with tearful mornings have my family wondering who this unrecognizable person is?  I feel like this and then I turn on the TV and see the devastation from Hurricane Harvey and wonder how I could be such an awful, selfish person.

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I know storms come and go and some stay longer than others as this isn’t my first time experiencing this on a certain level.  I would love to tell you that this storm is dying down or that the winds are subsiding but at this point I can’t.  If you are wondering where I have been or why I haven’t replied with messages, please know I will get there at some point and hopefully you are still around and if you are not I understand.  I have the most amazing family and close friends who are there for me even when I don’t deserve it and for that I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.  It is okay to not be okay sometimes and for right now my scars aren’t healed.  I will be adding some more scars soon to my unrecognizable body but those too will eventually fade.

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Always ask the person whether it be a stranger, friend, or family member, “How are you?” This question is powerful.

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I haven’t really listened to too much music lately, however I tried to go to a few concerts as I am trying to breathe.

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Song On Fire-Nickelback (Click Here)
The next line I write down
And there’s a tear that falls between the pages
I know that pain’s supposed to heal in stages
But it depends which one I’m standing on

 

After The Rain-Nickelback (Click Here)
Spend your days happy and grateful
Avoid the taste of wanting and wasteful
Every good thing will come in moderation
Envy and greed will only lead to frustration

 

Silent Majority-Nickelback (Click Here)
A candle’s the smallest light
But a handful becomes a lighthouse
Cutting the night for us, for us, for us, for us
The one with the loudest voice is really the one to follow
Silence the noise
So what, so what, so what?

 

(She tries to make me smile 🙂 I hope she makes you smile too!)

Until Next Time………