I have done quite a lot of traveling this past week from spending a lot of time in Devils Lake and a much needed trip to Bottineau. I have been wanting to do this post for a while but needed to decide for myself if it was something I wanted to share. What I’m about to share is very personal and I’m sharing to let you know that we all have our struggles and no one is perfect. This is so hard as being my introverted self would never talk openly about this, well here goes nothing.
Should I go in? I’ll be fine, I don’t need to do this, just drive away. I can do this on my own. I’m so not sure about this time is it even going to help me? What if people find out, what will they think?
Who am I? By looking on the outside, I am this happy person who likes to make others happy. I want people to laugh and live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment. I want to be positive for others as I know each person has their own struggles as we don’t know what happens behind closed doors. I have talked about not judging others because someone may seem perfect but they are really hurting or just confused about life.
Here I go might as well as what do I have to lose at this point, I need this. Where is her office I don’t see a sign on the door. It’s a sign to just leave. Okay here it is. This a small office, I’m just not sure if I’m in the right place. A woman appears and asks “Can I help you?”
Can you HELP me? Yes, please do!!! I was recently told “You have everything; a wonderful-supportive family, great friends, and a great job. What more could you want?” Hmmmmmm as I thought to myself I do have it really good but something inside is being ripped to shreds. Why am I not happy? I was asked one day by a co-worker if everything was okay and she caught me off guard as of course I answered that I was great but was I?
It is so hot outside but I’m freezing cold. My heart is pounding and I just want it to stop, I just want it all to go away. Why does this happen to me? This is not me I have it all together!!! The lady says “I will need you to fill out this paperwork.” There is so much paperwork, again maybe a sign to just walk out. Why do they need to know all this information about me?
These past few years have have made me question a lot about things in life. I have had a lot of changes that I’m just not sure how to come to grips with. I always had this thought out plan of where I was going with my life and what I wanted to be. Yes, we all know that we can’t plan the future as much as we all would like to. However, for a person who functions like I do this becomes a huge struggle. I always hear, “It’s not a big deal, you will figure it out and will be fine.” but to me I don’t feel like it will. I am a deep thinker and my mind doesn’t work like that as it analyzes and worries about everything even the small stuff. From my previous posts you know that I workout and listen to music a lot which help calm me. I eat pretty healthy and try to meditate on a daily basis (Headspace.com-Click Here is an amazing app that is free to use and was recommended by an awesome soul). I do the things I’m supposed to be doing but it’s not working anymore.
Okay I’m done with all this paperwork and feel nervous and scared. Now what? The lady says “You can come in now.” WHAT???? Oh, I just don’t know if I can do this!!!!! Then she says, “What brings you here?” Here I go as I feel the tears start to flood my eyes.
There it is…. I need HELP from someone else, which is always hard to admit and go through with it because I don’t like feeling like I failed. I think I also have this fear that if I share this I might lose people in my life so I will leave that up to you. I don’t want to be treated differently as I am still the same person trying to figure life out. A good friend reminded me that getting help is not failure it is being strong and that being vulnerable is okay. This individual recently shared his story of struggles and inspired me to do the same. I have a lot going on with my fears of not knowing and still always thinking about the past. I need to relearn how to go about my daily life with everything in check and to keep learning about myself. In the MidWest getting help is more of a quiet subject as people look at you like your crazy if you need help which is unfortunate because if we got help when we felt we needed it the world would definitely be different. I guess I felt that there were so many other people dealing with all these huge problems that mine were so little and that I didn’t want to bother anyone with them. By waiting so long and not noticing the alarms you set yourself back. I am not an expert nor will I ever be as this has been a really hard process for me. I just want people to know that it is okay to go and get HELP whether through your EAP at work or by talking to your doctor. I want to be a better person for myself and my family and if this is the way to do it then I’m game as what’s the alternative?! Always listen and be there and don’t brush someone off as Mental Health can come in many forms and we need to be there for one another. We never know what someone is going through so just be a friend as I have found in unexpected places! I’m not sure where this journey will take me in the future but I took the first step.
I am always here to listen so never hesitate to reach out!
Be you and be amazing no matter what it takes!
Hmmmmm music was an interesting choice as LIVE has been through a lot with me through most of my lows. of course I have seen them once in concert and to say they put on an amazing show would be an understatement. Just picture, a Rockfest when it is pouring rain out and LIVE is still rocking out like it is no big deal, it was perfect! Here are a few of my favorites, take a listen!
Lightening Crashes: Throwing Copper
I Alone: Throwing Copper
All Over You: Throwing Copper
Selling The Drama: Throwing Copper
I hope you find the Rainbow after the Storm, Until Next Time………………..
Traveling With Jo 
Oh Jo this is so awesome and I am so impressed that you can share this. There are so many times I feel so much like this and I wish I could express my feelings like you do!! I would never have guessed this struggle as you stated it it perfectly in that you are the most joyous person, you always have a smile, which as I read this is not always the way you truly feel. I try each day to be upbeat and happy and it is not always the way I feel either but I sometimes think well at least a smile gets me thorugh the day. It sometimes wears me out and I am exhausted as the day ends. I guess bottom line I want you to know I am here for you so please rely on friends that truly care about you and them you:)
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Jo, I want you to know this is wonderful-you being able to share your thoughts on your life experience, which can and is giving me and others inspiration -to admit we don’t have to move through our lives ups and more importantly, downs by ourselves. In the past, our Midwestern ways would avoid even sharing much of one’s personal life, but that it changing, thank goodness, and I believe any person steps closer to getting to the point they can reach satisfaction with themselves when they make the move to getting ” help” . I have always had a special place in my heart for you and your family. I have you in thought and prayer, and hope these following words that my brother shared with me will be helpful to you, also: “Life is good…and then it gets better” I pray for your continued strength-we are strong women in today’s world and God is always there when it seems no one else is. I love you! Marcia
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