Seclusion is a scary thought and knowing this is something that I would need to do has put this weight on my shoulders I can’t seem to lift. I was able to start the thyroid cancer treatment process on March 6th which began with labs and a series of thyrogen injections instead of going off my medication for two weeks which was my other choice. I knew I needed four of these shots, however again the communication piece has been missing from day one on how the whole process would actually go. I received two of the shots along with a small radioactive pill and some labs before I could have my scan. The thyrogen shots come with some side effects such as headaches, tiredness, nausea, and dizziness but I was lucky to only get a few of them. I was finally able to have the full body scan on March 10th which was very enlightening as I wasn’t sure what to expect. This scan is about 1.5 hours long as they begin with a 40 minute full body scan followed by a 10 minute concentrated scan on the neck area and then at that time they told me they would decide if they needed to do the other 30 min 360 degree scan. This scan begins at the head and works its way down to about the mid-thigh. I felt like I was in a Sci-fi thriller where I was going to be launched into space. The machine moved very slow but little by little I able to see the screen where there was an outline of my body and where there could possibly be more cancer. The screen started lighting up and in my mind I was becoming afraid of what this actually meant and still had to lay in this machine. After the full body and neck scan they decided they needed to do the 360 scan. I really started freaking out because to me that only meant things weren’t going to be good. When it was all done the radiologist came in and sat down with me, as I was about ready to pass out, to let me know the results. He told me that he did see some still in the neck area which was more than likely leftover tissue from surgery. He then proceeded to tell me that the other spots were normal such as the salivary glands, stomach and esophagus which would have been nice to know before the scan began. The patient should be aware of all the possibilities beforehand as knowing where the body parts laid inside a human body I really thought I was loaded with cancer as this truly wasn’t the case. I considered this a small win and believe me every win is celebrated.
March 15th, 2017
7:30 a.m.“Love you baby girl, have a wonderful day at school. The five days will go really fast and you will have so much fun, I promise you.” As I drive away, I can’t stop crying as I just want to hold her with everything I have. Five days are a long time from her and her amazing hugs. I have to go back to the house and say good-bye again which is going to tear my heart. “I love you so much and don’t want to let you go.” My heart is broken as I watched his eyes start to water and him walk out the door. I’m not sure how much I can handle.
I had the weekend to rest and then had two more thyrogen shots on the following Monday and Tuesday with the big day being on Wednesday, March 15th. I was happy I was able to have the radioactive pill this week due to my daughter having Thursday and Friday off from school so she would be able to have some fun with family to help make the time go fast. There was so much preparation when it comes to taking this pill as I have to be in seclusion for a full two days in my bedroom with no contact. Jocelyn can’t be around me for five full days so she had to stay somewhere else along with Jason having to move downstairs. Also, my bedroom had to have everything I needed in it such as food, books, movies, cooler of water, garbage bags, gloves, regular tooth-brush, paper plates, plastic forks and spoons and the one thing I couldn’t live with out was sugar-free lemon drops. The lemon drops help your salivary glands to keep producing saliva otherwise that could be damaged. I was made aware of that I needed to get up every two hours the first night to drink a lot of water so that the radioactive pill would get through my system otherwise it could hurt other parts inside my body. This process was frustrating because between my nurse, endocrinologist and the two radiologists’ I was told something different every time. This didn’t ease my mind during this already difficult time.
2:00 p.m.
This drive to downtown is one of the longest drives ever but at least I have my music. Here I go let’s go get the labs done first. Great, she must be new as she can’t find my veins to take my blood. I hope she can figure it out. Finally, time to wait for this pill. Oh no, she called my name, here goes nothing. “Take the pill and drink the water and you are good to go. Please make sure you go straight to you car and then right to where you will be staying for the next few days.” Said the nurse. The drive home is even worse along with a fabulous train. I’m home and now the loneliness sets in.
I got a lot of comments about this being a vacation and time to be able to do some things like read and watch movies that I haven’t been able to do for a while. Of course, everyone means well and it is hard to know what to say to someone when it comes to these circumstances. However, I don’t look at this like a vacation as my family means everything to me. I am an introvert and enjoy quiet evenings at home with my family on the weekend and not having them around rips my heart in pieces. This prolonged period of time I am by myself with my own thoughts which I find scary because my mind never stops. I try to keep myself busy with work and have good intentions to complete a book or two and a few documentaries but I am not having an enjoyable time. I wouldn’t wish this vacation on anyone!
8:00 p.m.
Jason’s home now for the night after helping with Jocelyn so I guess that is something even though I can’t see him. What should I watch? I’m too tired to read. I better be careful what I touch and do. Can I walk on the floor without socks or am I contaminating the carpet? I should’ve removed the rugs now I will for sure need to wash them twice like everything else. Am I drinking enough water? Should I eat something or just wait as I don’t want to get sick. I hope Jocey goes to bed okay and sleeps well.
This whole experience just keeps wearing you down but I know there is light coming soon. There are many others fighting a worse battle or losing their battle and so I am trying to keep that perspective but the loneliness just keeps creeping back. Time is not my friend and it seems to go backwards instead of forward. This time is what I make of it and I’m trying really hard to understand where I am at in my life so a time of reflection I guess. I wonder what life will be like when this is done? I have all this time and all I want is my family but when this is over will life just be crazy busy again or can I find a better balance? All of us are so busy with our own lives and our children’s lives that during the week we are constantly running from one activity to another that we may have one hour if we are lucky to just be with our kids. Even then do we sit down with them and read a book with them or play a game of checkers or are we so busy trying to do clothes or wash dishes we are missing these moments? I hope to be better at this and I hope I am able to calm some of the craziness my life has. My mind is becoming clearer on what I want from myself which again might be kind of scary but I know I want to be more present instead of searching.
4:00 a.m.
What time is it? Time to drink some water I guess but how much? Is a bottle enough? Don’t forget to flush twice. Should I have a lemon drop now, my mouth is really dry. Maybe it is working as my incision kind of feels tender or is that just something else? I hope my family has a safe trip tomorrow.
I am not sure what the days a head of me will bring as I still have a few books, documentaries, and movies to keep me busy but I do know how grateful I am. I am grateful that I am still alive. I am grateful that I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I am grateful that I have amazing family and friends that support my every move. I am grateful that even though this journey is hard that it is my journey to face. I have a follow-up scan next Tuesday morning to make sure what they saw on the first scan is gone. There is two outcomes to that scenario and right now I have to try to accept both. If you are still reading this blog I hope you look at your loved ones and keep that picture close to your heart. Take time to be with your families and hug them even though it may be uncomfortable. We are the lucky ones to still be here and continue on.
There hasn’t been much music lately so here is a list of what I have watched so far as these documentaries have given me a different perspective on life. I hope you are able to watch these at some point and maybe it can help you too. (Click on the names below)
“Life Itself”- On the life of Roger Ebert
Watch his rise to fame and the pain that comes with it but pay close attention when he is close to the end.
“Becoming Warren Buffet”
This is an interesting look into the life of a billionaire but what he does with his money will move you. He is an extraordinary human being with the most different take on life.
“The Motivation”
Ever wanted to do something different like skateboard? This takes a look into the lives of some young and some older skateboards who love what they do. This makes me believe that you can actually love your job if your whole heart is in to it.
Until Next Time…
There is this comment that I have heard about how hard it is going to be on a single child to have to plan funerals for both parents by oneself. My first thought is that maybe it is better to concentrate on the present and not the future with all of the amazing little moments we have with our daughter. Secondly, being a mom of course I have thought of this and for that we will have pretty much everything planned out for her ahead of time. There is also more to consider such as can we do this financially and also looking at our own well being. These two things I am told are not a big deal as you can always afford a kid and that you will figure it out. This I don’t believe works for us as everyone is right, money isn’t everything, but I do need to put food on the table and clothes on my child. When it comes to our well being it isn’t about just looking at the physical state but also the mental state you are in too. This is something I struggle with…….
Traveling With Jo 