Four hours of car time, of time to talk about our days and weeks that seem to fly by as the earth moves beneath the car I sit and wonder what this trip will throw our way as you see time is not on our side. It has been too long since we have been in Bottineau and Rugby as life has gotten away from us and made us lose sight of what truly matters. I yearn for the face to face conversation with my loved ones who I do not see daily as I can only imagine what we could talk about. How do we lose track of what matters when we are faced with such uncertainty with life? I’m reminded daily how precious life is by watching others throw punches at whatever diseases come their way. What is it like sitting on 2nd floor?
I have a hard time watching this person who was so full of life become someone I don’t recognize anymore. The thought right now makes me want to throw things and cry at the same time as I can’t take her pain away. My knees grow week as I try and step out of the car on to the pavement and the view of the hospital is burned into my eyes. I try not to let my little girl see the pain in my eyes as I don’t want her to be scared to go in to the hospital. The door feels like lead and the elevator took years to get to the 2nd floor. I have a hard time realizing that this is the place my grandma must stay for the rest of her life as I know every day she hopes to move back to her beautiful farm. This human being that use to be so full life and had a farm to roam around on now is confined to one room. Is this really living? Why does she have to suffer as I know her heart aches.
Do I knock? Will she be awake? Will she remember who I am? What if she scares our little one? How do I make her feel comfortable? The thoughts race through my brain like wild fire as I want to be able to control the situation when I know it can’t be. How do I put a smile on my face when all I want to do is kneel beside her bed and take the pain away? We open the door quietly as we don’t want to scare her, and the dull light shines through the room. The “Hellos” always start with hugs and tears as we miss each other dearly. I catch myself staring as I look in her eyes and see the pain she endures and not only the physical pain but the pain of lost time. The conversation goes from present to past and then goes on repeat. Sports have always been a passion of hers as she loved watching her children and grandchildren in action and I can still hear her across the gym, so we usually put a game on while we are there to make the conversation easier for everyone. Why are we given so many memories, but they seem to fade to a shade of grey?
The good byes are the hardest as knowing that every time could be the last just pulls my heart and the darkness consumes my ride home. Just like we embraced each other at the beginning we always end the same way as we cherish every moment. The days where she could wave her leg at me on the front porch are gone but ingrained in my memory. i know I am blessed to have had a grandmas for this long as so many lose theirs’ too early. Holding back the tears until I can hurry to the car to put sunglasses on becomes impossible. The clouds pass by the tears flow and I try to understand that this is how life goes. The silence is unbearable but I can’t speak. The guilt washes over me that I got to leave 2nd floor……
I really have tried to find the meaning in music lately as finding those certain songs can help the soul. I hope you enjoy the following selection.
Remember You Young – Thomas Rhett (Click Here)
And no matter how much time goes by
And no matter how much we grow up
For worse or for better, from now ’til forever
I’ll always remember you young
Victorious – Skillet (Click Here)
I hear ’em talk to me
But they’re not listening
The words are kerosene
They don’t know who I am
They’d never understand
What it’s like to be me
I don’t wanna be here
So stuck inside
Tell me how long have I been here?
I’m losing track of time
Finish Line – Skillet (Click Here)
Good evening, my people up in the chandeliers
The wining and dining, the menu is blood, sweat and tears
Everybody ready, raining down confetti
Champions are born right now
Ain’t about the glamour, click goes the hammer
Run when you hear that sound
Happiness – Hobo Johnson & The Lovemakers (Click Here)
I really hope that you find happiness
And the book you write’s magnificent
And I won’t help but stare at every word
It would burn holes in many mattresses
After I place it down, read in full
That lovely little book titled, “I Told You So”
UNTIL NEXT TIME…..
Traveling With Jo 