The road I have been traveling on for the past year has a few potholes that keep changing shape but do not go away. I feel like this stranger living in someone’s else’s body and I don’t recognize it. I kept telling myself that I needed to give myself more time
to feel human again but here we are. I had a friend ask me “You really don’t like talking about yourself huh?” and that was hard to process as most days I am not sure about anything and then there is those who have it worse than I do so I feel I don’t have
that right to talk about my own pain. I wanted to write this post, not for sympathy, but for those that may have gone through thyroid cancer or something else major and for them to not feel alone in the fight.
I was driving last week one day after work when a wave anxiety swept over me for no reason at all, I could barely breathe. I used to have anxiety but mostly it was due to certain situations such as, talking in front of a large crowd or in certain social settings but my new normal has these occurrences for no reason at all. It is the craziest situation when everything in one moment is fine and the next I feel like the wind is being knocked out of my body. I can’t predict when these moments will happen and what I really want to do is just run away when they do. It is just a part of me now and I have been on this roller coaster of emotions. I know there is drugs for this as that is what I hear a lot but it isn’t for me and never will be. I have been down the road of drugs in my system and having to deal without a thyroid and taking thyroid medication daily is enough and all I can handle right now. I hope for that someday when there is more natural remedies for anxiety. I found other ways to try and calm myself with the “5-4- 3-2- 1” technique (Click Here) to ease my mind along with meditation (Sattva App – Click Here). The one thing that seems to get me through though is listening to loud music and singing along, however, I really can’t do that in most cases.
Did I take my pill to survive today? This is my first thought of the day and most of the time I don’t remember if I did or not? It is so crazy that this one little pill is my survival tool for the rest of my life. My brain doesn’t function the same as it used to as it
tends to be in a fog most days and I can’t remember to do the little things which I used to be proud of. I think it just slapped me across my face as I forgot to call my beautiful grandma on her birthday. This is not me. This is not how I operate and it is beyond frustrating. Organizing and planning events is one of the one things I was somewhat good at and enjoyed but it is becoming harder as even keeping lists can’t seem to keep me on track. It is about rewiring my brain to think differently and I know I will get there. This spell I feel like I am under has also zapped my motivation for almost everything and my family can see a difference when it comes to daily situations. I used to get up in the mornings to work out and that doesn’t happen. I used to get home at night and do fifty different things like play with my little girl and that usually doesn’t happen. If I must get up and get ready for the day it feels like a chore. One thing just leads to another. I have this reoccurring dream that I am on this Ferris Wheel that can’t stop and the only thing to do is jump. I have found a friend and its name is COFFEE which really doesn’t help the anxiety but it does keep me awake at work. It is about finding what works for you and we are all going to be different. The one thing I can’t seem to figure out is the mood swings as I go from crying one minute to being literally pissed off the next. Of course, those that live in the same house get to reap those benefits which makes me feel like an amazing mom and wife. I wish I could pinpoint the triggers but for now bullet proof vests need to be worn in case I explode.
The dosage on thyroid medication is everything and can be a ticking time bomb if it isn’t perfect. I am a very active individual and exercise is my escape when I have my dark days. The lack of motivation doesn’t help this situation but then let’s add on some pounds to make me feel even better about not having a thyroid (insert sarcasm here). I work in the wellness field and love helping people live the best versions of themselves but if I am not able to do that myself is it even fair to them? Maybe I need to work out more or eat healthier as soon I will be a rabbit eating only lettuce. I have also been experiencing pain in my neck and well I guess this happens with the type of surgery I had which my doctor had left that part out but my friend Google has been trying to help me: (https://www.verywell.com/thyroid-surgery- may-bring- on-unexpected- neck-pain- 3975103) . Again a minor bump in the road but everything starts to add up. I listen to my coworkers talk about running a Fargo Marathon relay and playing sand volleyball, which is so awesome they like to be active but I sit there and think that used to be me. I am on the struggle bus when it comes to this topic and I can only keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Most days I want to scream, “THIS ISN’T ME!” This whole experience has torn my old existence to pieces and it is about trying to figure out who the new me is and wants to be. I want you to know if you have had a similar experience that you are not alone in the fight to keep going. Life is about changes and it is what we do with it that makes us stronger but some days it is okay to fall apart too. We are all human and no one is perfect so hopefully we can look around us and accept everyone. Hopefully the road gets smoother and some of the potholes go away but until then I will keep going.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ~Winston Churchill
Resources:
https://www.facebook.com/thyroidcancersurvivors/
I have been listening to some new Shinedown songs lately with their new album “Attention Attention” being released on May 4th, I hope you enjoy:
Devil (Click Here)
The silence, the silence
The blinding ultra violence
Knockin at your door
Pacin back and forth
What now?
The whispers and the screams
The stereotypical profiling ritual
Vicious and obscene
The Human Radio (Click Here)
We march, we fight, we live
We scream, we die, we give
We want the world to know
We are the human radio
Like Bon Jovi once said “Keep The Faith”
Until Next Time……..
Traveling With Jo 