What does a new year bring? Maybe it’s to exercise more or to be a better human being. Is it a goal or a resolution? It is a different perspective for all of us as my New Year didn’t begin until February 17th at 4:27 p.m.
February 17th: 6:23 a.m.
I am not sure I can go to work. I feel like my intestines are being ripped apart. I hope I can make it to my check up today. Why does my body hate me and why does it have to be today? I need to get Jocey to school and then I will figure it out.
We conducted our New Year’s party the same way we do every year with a themed party. This year I decided we would all be Power Rangers as I think we have all fought some battles this past year. I love just staying home for New Years with my family as those are the people who comfort me always. I have never really enjoyed large, loud crowds as you can’t enjoy a conversation without losing your voice. Also, having Jocelyn has changed my perspective on everything so being at home with her is priceless. We had some yummy food and drinks and let Jocey stay up until Midnight for her first time. I have always found it interesting that everyone waits for the clock to strike midnight as I’m not sure what the excitement is all about? When I was young I wished that it would be like the fairytale Cinderella where the clock strikes midnight and magic would happen with a beautiful, sparkly, carriage to whisk me away from my reality. Before the new year approached I was asked the question “I bet you are ready for a new year?” and my response was to smile and nod my head yes. I needed some time to sit and ponder this question as was I ready for 2017 to be over?
7:30 a.m.
I am not going in to work today in case I am actually sick as I don’t want to get anyone else sick too. Should I call in to the doctor and tell them I am not coming? I don’t know if I can go another day not knowing if I have Cancer back? Maybe it is a sign that I am not supposed to know or that it is back? I am not sure I can handle it if there is bad news.
2017 was a year of me just trying to stay above water with waves crashing all around me. There were days where the darkness consumed my thoughts and I just wasn’t sure how I was supposed to keep moving. However, there were so many positives in 2017 too such as my daughter turning eight, our family vacation to the Valley Fair, our travels to Bottineau, my daughters track, basketball and now swimming events, bonfires with the neighbors, epic open mic nights of Rock Band in our basement, catching up with great friends at coffee shops, amazing concerts, and numerous family movie nights and that is just to name a few. Did I really want 2017 to be over? The answer is no, I wanted the horrible doctor appointments, the poking and prodding, numerous surgeries, the sleepless nights, awful medications, being away from my family, and the word CANCER to go away. What does 2018 have in store for me?
2:30 p.m.
I am going to this appointment no matter what, I just can’t take it. I think my body is just nervous and the anxiety has taken over. I need to know what the next step is and from there I can figure out how to keep breathing. What if they tell me it has come back? What if everything is okay for now? What should I make for supper as Jocey has swimming tonight.
I am not sure I get excited for a new year anymore as it means that life is passing by and all the beautiful memories are now just in the past. This is what we call life and we do our best to keep moving and to keep the light switch on. I love watching my daughter grow up as children I believe are there to make us stop and enjoy the little moments. She has this light inside of her that I hope the world will never burn out. I would like 2018 to not bring so much pain for those around me and to bring peace no matter what that looks like. Maybe I will get to jump out of a plane or travel more? Maybe I will get another tattoo? Maybe I will get to see some family and friends that I haven’t in a long time? Maybe I will just be? This is My New Year….
4:27 p.m.
Thank you….6 more months….I can handle no Cancer for 6 more months! I think I’ll grab a coffee, great way to help my anxiety.:)
I hope your 2018 is filled with love and remember to just enjoy each moment.
I have been really listening to some 80’s and 90’s music on our local radio station lately as it keeps my spirits up in this crazy world of hurt and sadness. The music I chose to put on my blog is more of what I am feeling without being able to say the right words. I hope you find something you like, enjoy:
American Noise – Skillet (Click Here)
Slamming doors and cell phone rings
Hurricane force of silent screams
Don’t know what to believe
Bend the rule just to break it
You’re so tired ’cause you’re gotta fake it
But you just wanna be someone
Tired – Stone Sour (Click Here)
I’m not close, I’m not safe
I don’t know, don’t know, am I better off in chains?
The one is not aware
So stay away from me, I’m just too young to care
Looking for Angels – Skillet (Click Here)
Walk this world alone try to stay on my feet
Sometimes crawl, fall, but I stand up cause I’m afraid to sleep
And open my eyes to a new day, with all new problems 4. and all new pain
All the faces are filled with so much anger
Losing our dignity and hope from fear of danger
After all the wars, after settling the scores, at the break of dawn we will be deaf to the answers
Until Next Time…….
Traveling With Jo 