I have been back on the road a lot these last few weeks for various reasons and I have been able to think about the emotional ride that hasn’t been slowing down.  As I looked up in the sky today as I drove down the road to Grand Forks there were so many clouds and a little bit of sun peaking through and I have felt that way where those gloomy clouds are hovering over me bringing me down with a few bright spots where I enjoy life.  Last week was the Fargo Marathon which is usually the week I look forward to all year long.  I helped out at packet pick up, the BCBS Expo booth, Jocelyn ran her 1 mile, she had her first track meet and I was a part of the “Cheer Zone” during the 5k.  There were so many amazing moments like my daughter running the whole one mile and cheering on all walks of life during the 5k from those who didn’t have limbs to those who had never ran before.  My emotions were of joy, sadness, disappointment and anger all wrapped up neatly in a box with a black bow.

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I think it is so wonderful to see those who didn’t enjoying running when they were younger become runners as the process is so rewarding.  I have loved running since I was a little girl and can still remember my first Hershey’s track meet where the adrenaline was the ultimate high.   I always loved pushing my body to it’s limit and every meet was a new beginning.  Of course, I didn’t start running longer distances until I got to college for the challenge but more so for my mental health.  I started off the longer distances with multiple 5K’s around the area and one 10K in Jamestown with actual hills.  These races challenged me but I was looking for something more.  The Fargo Marathon became a part of my life 13 years a go when I decided to do my first half marathon.  I still remember freezing while the snow hit my eyelashes as the race started.  It is such an out of body experience when you run longer distances with people you don’t even know cheering you on.  My family has always supported me when it has come to running and pushing myself as they have been at almost every race I have ran.  After running two half marathons I decided to move down to 10K’s because it was what my knee could handle.

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I have been pretty good about faking how bad my left knee really is.  Having reconstructive ACL and MCL surgery a long with a knee scope has taken it’s tole but I have always made the best out of the situation.  The pounding from running along with the numerous basketball games I have officiated probably hasn’t helped either.  I have always been passionate about being active and running while I can as there are so many people out there that would love to do what I have done.  I have had many family members with diseases such as ALS, MS, and cancer which has affected them so much that walking isn’t even an option anymore.  I ran for them as much as I have ran for myself.  I had a friend run for me this year as I wasn’t able to train due to Thyroid Cancer and I was so honored as she is such an amazing woman helping so many people (Please check out her page to donate: Click Here). This was my goal for next year to run for those affected by awful circumstances.  I know it is time to take care of it and myself. It is hard to get out of bed and walk or sit for long periods of time as my knee wants to give out with every step.  I can feel the bones rubbing against each other with the pain I have overlooked for so long.  I haven’t had enough time to process everything that has happened this year let alone have another surgery.

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I have so many thoughts going through my mind and this year has been a blur.  I would be lying if I didn’t say I was scared and afraid of what is to come.  I have not been active for that long of a period before and it knocks the wind out of me every time I think about it.  Of course, I know that eventually I will be able to do some activity and yes deep down I know I can get through it but it still doesn’t take away what I am feeling in this moment.  I have so many other things I wanted to accomplish with my fitness including more long runs.  Jocelyn watched me run the 10K last year and cross the finish line and this year she asked when will we get to do one together.  My heart broke into a million pieces and my eyes began to tear up at the thought of us not doing a long distance run together.  This is my next crazy journey and I know I need to take one day at a time.

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My mood has been reflected in my music choices lately and it has been more acoustic as I love something about music when it is stripped down and vulnerable.

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’

Life’s mysteries seem so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drowning in the rain with a ticket for a runaway train.
And everything is cut and dry, day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don’t
believe it