I would say travel has been slow the past few weeks, however life has been more than interesting. The drive through the cemetery this gloomy morning and a presentation in the cremation building was just enough to prompt this blog as life has a way of throwing you curveballs.
You want me to present where? At a cemetery? In the cremation building? It will be fine as it is just like any other employer group. I’ll go there and be done in no time and it will be great. They sound like a great bunch of people, this will be okay.
I have been in this STORM lately with so many thoughts I can’t seem to break away from. I feel like I am trapped in the middle of this storm where for the moment it is quiet but if I make any movements everything starts to fall apart. I want to stay where it is quiet some days and others I want to break free and run far way. The outside forces that help create it and the internal forces are unbearable. Of course, I think what I struggle with the most is trying to keep it all together so I tend to just go through the motions. I am pretty good at hiding it all and not showing it because the faster I move, the more I do, the less we both notice. However, it knocks the wind out of me too so I don’t answer texts or when there is a change in anything the panic washes over me. I answer the questions with a smile and I wear a hat to avoid the world. My mind then starts saying, “You are fine, stop being a baby. Other people have it worse. You are not good enough. You are a failure.”
I am not sure I can do this. The driveway is so long and do I keep going this way or am I going the wrong way? Where do I park? This must be the place as I was told there would be smoke coming from the chimmney.
These are all just thoughts that aren’t real and I know that but for some reason they won’t go away. It affects everything……. Then I have those tiny moments where I am okay and things like not getting into a leadership program I really wanted brings me to tears instantly even though I know I can apply again. Something even small like losing a match in a coed volleyball league, of course which is my fault due to my awesome knees, makes me want to hide. I hear a lot from others that “It will be okay.” and “It’s not a big deal.” It is those comments where I cringe as not at the individual as they have no clue where I am at in my mind but at the fact that I wished it was true.
That was an easy presentation with amazing people. I take a second to look around as the rain is coming down with a damp breeze and realize all those who are no longer with us. The tears are rolling down my cheeks as I see a tombstone with a husband and wife embracing and another one that looks like that of a child. Who are these people and were they to live life to the fullest? Did they leave a legacy that I so wish to do?
I am here to tell you that if you are in a storm it is okay as I am here for you. I am not out of my storm nor do I know when it will pass this time but at some point it will. This anxiety I feel comes and goes and I will never be cured so it is learning how to deal with it. Surround yourself with those individuals who don’t judge and listen to you know matter how silly or crazy your situation might sound. Maybe it is exercise, meditation (Sattva App-Click Here), writing down what you are grateful for every night, trying something new and going outside the box or a few of them but there are ways to make the storms calmer it is just finding that perfect mix. With all the craziness this world presents to us imagine if everyone was a little kinder and not so judgmental……..
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Music these last few weeks has been more low key music that I like to listen to when I feel alone.
Cause all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You’ll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You’ll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Until Next Time………….
Traveling With Jo 