“A SCARE”

Where to start I have been literally traveling all over by a Jet Plane and car from Nebraska to South Dakota and all over North Dakota. It has been a crazy few weeks and needed some time off from blogging. To tell you the truth it has been a down and out few weeks for me with some definite lows. I had started a blog on Sportsmanship which will come out later but decided to go a head with a more personal story.

What does life mean to you? This is a question that I often ponder as my mind ponders everything all the time but this certain question has been on my mind a lot recently. I decided to finally go in to get a scan of my moles as I had a few spots that didn’t seem right to me. Working for an insurance company I am constantly preaching to employees that everyone should be preventative about their health so I decided to do the same with my own health. So I went to my first appointment and waited.

“Maybe I don’t even need this check-up? I am sure I will be in and out of the doctor’s office fast and then can get back to work. Alright here we go finally as I have so much I need to get done at work today and a presentation.”

I always think the worst part of a doctor’s visit is sitting in the waiting room just waiting for the nurse to call your name. I hate suspense and I am always nervous just waiting there and watching others around me go in and then come out. I always sit there and wonder what everyone else is thinking or what they are going through as you never know what news they may have heard or are waiting for to hear. I haven’t had the greatest experiences when it has come to hospitals and doctors and would prefer to never go as I’m sure most feel the same way I do. Hospitals and clinics are supposed to make us feel safe and it is supposed to be a place where we can go for answers but to me it means death and bad news. Of course, I was just going in to check my moles, what could really go wrong?!

“Great the spots that I needed checked he isn’t worry about. Finally I can leave. What? You said what? I need to have a mole removed? I think he is wrong because I have had this mole on my back my whole life and it really hasn’t changed shape or color so why now? Fine just remove it so I can get on with my day. Send it off to pathology, well do what you have to do I guess but it isn’t going to show anything. Maybe they just want more money for me, ugh. Awesome, you are going to tell me my results when I am flying around with a company, this should be interesting.”

We are always rushing from here to there and don’t take time to be present. This is something that I am very bad at as I have so much going on that I don’t realize what is right in front of me sometimes. I have gotten the questions from my therapist, “When do you have time for yourself? How can you juggle so much? How are you still functioning?” My answers are of course I just keep moving because if I have time to sit and think of everything is going on around me I might fall apart. In times like these when life gets away from me I need to learn to lean on those around me such as my family and friends, however this is a very hard concept for me.

Nurse on the phone: “You need to have a ________.” “What does that word even mean? What are they going to do to me? What do they mean they didn’t get it all as there isn’t much skin left? Atypical cells, is this really happening? How can this be? Is there a possibility that there is cancer?”

Cancer……what an awful word. I have seen my loved ones go through many different types of cancer so of course the word scares the crap out of me. Sure skin cancer is most of the time curable and it shouldn’t be a big deal right?! Well, to me in that moment I felt the walls closing in around me. I kept telling myself…I’ll be fine, everything will be okay but what I was really thinking was maybe I’m being punished for something, maybe this is the way it has to be?! Then I sat after the phone call with the news that I needed more done and cried because I had so many thoughts of what if…..What if I don’t get to accomplish everything I want to……What if I’m not around for my little girl……What if my family has to watch me suffer? Then that question crept in…What does life mean to me? At this point I didn’t know much on what was coming next and that scared me more than anything. Again these are my feelings and what was going through my mind at the time and I felt like if I said much I would be burdening those around me that cared and I didn’t want anyone to worry.

“Here I am again, not knowing what to expect. At least I didn’t have to wait long. This room doesn’t look like a normal room, it has way more equipment almost like a surgery room and it even had a TV. Why am I in a room like this as they told me they were just taking some more and now I wonder how much more. The doctor looks like he is 20 years old and is trying to explain to me what is happening and what is going to happen today. You are going to do WHAT???”

Hold your loved ones tight and don’t let go. Enjoy what is in front of you and do things that you have always wanted to do. Don’t hold back when it comes to love and love everyone and everything around you. Show appreciation for others that want to be close to you. Always listen to those around you as listening is such a powerful tool. Dance in the rain and break some rules. LIVE with no regrets and cherish every moment of every day.

(Disclaimer: this may be graphic)

As I lay on my stomach and the nurse shoots my back up with numbing juice but I’m not sure why so much and such a wide area. Isn’t this supposed to be a small procedure? Thanks for putting the bio hazard bag and utensils in front of my face, this is not going to be good. The doctor comes back in to the room and starts cutting and it’s a good thing it is numb. In a few minutes I see what looks like a huge piece of flesh laying on the tray….oh wait it is mine, kind of felt like I was in a zombie movie or something. Wish they could’ve been a little more discreet with everything as I’m just laying here by myself. It’s a good thing they can’t see my face right now and my tears rolling down my cheek. I really wish someone would have told me what this procedure really consisted of……..Now time for the sewing…..I wonder what it looks like or how big the opening as judging by the huge chunk on the tray ugh this could be interesting. You have to send it to pathology again? I thought this was it and everything would be fine after you cut some more off.

Don’t wait to take control of your own health. Today is a day to start to become your advocate of your own body. Maybe if I would’ve went in sooner? In that moment it all became real to me. Leaving the clinic that day….I completely fell apart…I wanted to scream and punch things….I know it wasn’t the end of the world and I didn’t want to be dramatic about the situation so I did what I do best and kept it to myself. I went and did a presentation for work and even went and officiated a Volleyball game that night at Northern Cass. The point I would like to make is you never know what the person next to you is going through so be kind. If they open up to you and let you in, don’t judge as even if it is a small thing to you it might be a big thing in their world so don’t belittle it. Just be there for those in need and give a person a shoulder to cry on.